Saturday, June 2, 2012

People Say: Mitt Romney is As Clear As Mud

Planet PoV
For those who are following our "People Say..." series, you will be glad to know that Mitt Romney has "agreed" to a personal interview.  

We will begin with the retelling of this fable from the beginning.
On one of those unadvertised stops in his seven-year presidential campaign, Mitt Romney agreed to sit down for a one-on-one interview on his way to Utah to visit a sister-wife "close relative" and their her five daughters.

Me: “Hello, please have a seat. May I call you Mittens?”
Mittens: “No.”
Me: “Great, Thanks!”
Mittens: “No problem.”
Me: “You recently went to Las Vegas with Donald Trump to raise wads of money from Sheldon Adelson. You know he hates the United States and has the common sense of a brick. Did he fall for it? Did he sink another $10 million dollars for you into the losing campaign's black hole? – Just like he did for Newt Gingrich?”

Mittens: “Well…uhm, that’s a lot of questions. I had a nice time in Las Vegas and when I am President, I’ll make sure everyone knows I spend time here and to come over and visit.”
Me: “We are not in Las Vegas. We are in Reno.”
Mittens: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “About 500 miles.”
Mittens: “I bet you $10,000 is less.”
Me: “I don’t have $10,000 to bet.”
Mittens: “Why not?”
Me: “I am middle-class and broke.”
Mittens: “Can I be frank? – I mean is not like anyone is ever going to read this… You know, I get angry when people say they don’t have money. I don’t understand what your problem is. It is one of the easiest things to have and frankly, I think people like you are just lazy.”
Me: “I am not lazy. I have worked full-time jobs all my life. I have a college education, I am fluent in more than one language... Besides, it is not fair to categorize people as lazy when there are no paying jobs with living wages in most states.”
Mittens: “You expect living wages? See? This is what gets to me about you people. You have impossible standards. What else do you do?”
Me: "I am a writer among other things."
Mittens: "You write good?"
Me: "Well."
Mittens: "Well what?"
Me: "Never mind."

Me: “Let’s move on to another question. Are you a hunter?”
Mittens: “I purchased a gun when I was a young man. I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." (He has hunted twice. Once at 15 and the second time at a GOP fundraiser)
Me: “In your long life as a hunter, what have you bagged? Beside Tea Party members.”
via Awkward Romney
Mittens: "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Me: “Do you think that same-sex couples have a right to be married as a matter of legally entering into a contract – Like everyone else?”
Mittens: “I have always said that marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman.” He smirks and adds, “I know there are many circumstances where that is not possible, through death or divorce. I also know many gay couples are able to adopt children. That's fine."
Me: “So you think that gay couples should adopt?”
Mittens: “well, I said that it is legal in some states for same-sex couples to adopt.”
Me: “But you also said that it is okay for same-sex couple to adopt but marriage is between a man and a woman and children should be raised by heterosexual couples. I am confused, you are for the sanctity of marriage and for children to be raised by a married couple as a “family values” issue, but when it comes to same-sex couples, it is preferable for them to raise children “in sin”?”
Mittens: “I stand by what I said when I said it. Whatever it is I said. I stand by it.”
Me: “Do you think that everyone shares your views… whatever they were/are?”
Mittens: "I'm happy to learn that after I speak you're going to hear from Ann Coulter. That's a good thing. I think it's important to get the views of moderates." (Later, “moderate” Ann Coulter called John Edwards a "faggot")
Me: "You instigated a group of students to gang up against another student. They held him down while you traumatized him and cut his hair because you did not like that he was different from you and your group. Care to clean up your record here?"
Mittens: "Golly Gee Willikers! boys will be boys. What else do you have?"

By Topheerchris at Tumbler
Me: “Just between you and me, the spelling of Amercia was done deliberately, correct?”
Mittens: “Only my wife is supposed to get that name from me upon our arrival at a certain planet.”
Me: “Huh?”
Mittens: “I intend to run Amercia… I mean America, with the same precision and organizational skills I brought out during my tenure at Bain Capital.”
Me: “Are you saying you were a job creator at Bain Capital? Because my statistics show that not only companies lost their shirts, but hundreds of thousands of people lost their jobs, income, pensions and…”
Mittens: “My experience with Bain Capital is off limits, we can talk about something else.”

Me: “You brought it up, that’s not fair. But okay, let’s talk about the word on the street: They say Mitt Romney is a Polygamist and his birth certificate is fake. How do you respond to that?”
Mittens: “Oh, that reminds me…. Sorry, I have a plane to catch.”

Well folks, there you have it. Clear as mud.

Stay tuned for a future episode of Mittens and Trump.

Related Articles Across the Interwebs:

Chicago Sun-Times: Romney Does Las Vegas

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