Sunday, April 15, 2012

A Letter from the 1% to the 99%

The 1% 

Allow me to introduce myself, I am the 1% - I'd say nice to meet you, but we have never really met... nor do we want to. (If by accident we shake your hand we use Purell immediately.  Poverty could be contagious.)

When we run for office pretending to represent you... (Ha! that is always a good chuckle at the club), we try to sound sincere and we want you to respect the fact that we try.  I find it intolerable that you point out how arrogant we sound and look.  We can't help it, that is the way we were bred and it is bad form for you to point it out.

We expect that you will reward us for having memorized the lines to the memos that clearly state we understand your plight.  Truth be told, we don't.  We don't even know what your plight is or why you have one.  

Just like my ancestors, I have been born with a trust fund and I fail to understand, or care, why you don't have one.  I can only surmise it was poor planning on your grandparents's part.  My money supply is, as it should be; endless.  Yours? Well, I am told your annual salary is the equivalent cost of my latest weekend with my mistress.

It just boggles the mind that you are so stupidly poor. Why do you do that to yourselves? Have you learned nothing?

I don't question where our money comes from or how it keeps growing annually to a rate that could feed a third world country for decades to come.  The only thing that matters is that it continues to be that way.  After all, we can't step down from our gated communities and live among you. Your lives, when I catch snippets of it, sound really gross and we just don't want to.

Talking to you and about you, makes me want to reach for the hand disinfectant.  I feel dirty. We find you disgusting, to be honest.  

If you are obese or undernourished, it is your own damn fault because you don't eat the organic, fresh stuff you can easily find at Whole Foods or Trader Joe's. (As I have been told by my personal assistant Rosie as I write this.) I would not know, since my food supply comes from a quaint village in the South of France.

You don't even import your own water from European or Tibetan Springs... you actually drink that stuff that comes out of the faucet. Just like my dogs. Gross, just gross.

When you are sick, how hard can it be to get on your private plane and get that organ transplant abroad? - Seriously, you are just a lazy bunch.

Elderly Freeze to Death
When you freeze to death in the winter and die of dehydration or heat stroke in the summer it is your own undoing. After all, even Rosie knows how to adjust the thermostat.  Why can't you?

Mitt Romney - Does he understand YOU?
Perhaps you have wondered if a presidential candidate from my elite group, Mitt Romney, has a clue what it takes to maintain a home? To live on minimum wage? To earn slightly above it? Or for a family of four to survive on $40,000 a year? - I'll save you the suspense, no, he does not.

Just like me, Mitt can't relate to your stick homes and your cheapo cars.  You see, we are not rich, we are wealthy.  There is a big difference between the two and peons like you would never understand.  

To us, you are a necessary evil that must be tolerated because we need cheap labor that will raise our children, take them to the park, the doctor's office, change their diapers and make them smell and look pretty.  Our job is to accessorize them properly.  We have the funds for that. (The trust funds, that is)

Speaking of children, a good ol' boy of ours, Newt Gingrich, had the brilliant idea of having your children clean toilets in public schools.  We thought it was a great solution to clearly delineate the boundaries between your people and our kind. After all, your children should know their place early on, to avoid any issues for our darling offspring down the road.

Unfortunately, you did not go for it and that made us furrow our brow for an instant - Then Mario brought out the imported Scotch and we forgot about you and your children just as quickly, but since we are on the subject, I want you to know that we need you to keep reproducing.  

We are finding it hard to replace the hired help on a whim because supplies of people like yours are diminishing.  No contraceptives for you was another great idea.  Unfortunately, you did not go for it either.  

I am addressing every liberal democrat and progressive out there, you are pissing us off! The social experiment of educating the population has been a complete failure as far as we are concerned.

As you damn socialist educated the poor, they became the middle class.  We did not have to contend with this group until you came along.  Furthermore, they became defiant by questioning legalities, human and civil rights issues we never gave a second thought to.

The worse offense was that these people felt entitled to a life we could not control.  We will not have it.  Furthermore, they stood up for the rights of the poor... (I am getting a headache just writing this, the poor have rights? Seriously?)

These turns of events have been too disrupting to our understanding of social order and created unnecessary unrest in our tranquil existence.  These are the same people who are occupying everything we consider ours.  For some strange reason, they think those public places are meant to be shared.  This madness must stop!

We have decided that we will keep hammering away until we achieve the following; a) you reproduce against your will (this right is reserved entirely for us) and b) you will be dumb as a post because it is easier to make you feel grateful for the privilege of shinning our shoes.  It is also easier to replace you on a whim (Rosie has been getting mouthy and giving me strange looks lately.) 

Someone like Warren Buffet is a black mark on our pristine charter.  We must keep these individuals to a minimum and get him to stop talking about his secretary's tax rate.  We just don't care.

As a proud member of the elite, I want you to stop making my life uncomfortable.  We like things to be the way they were and we have the foresight to make this happen.  After all, our trust funds were made generations ago and we, the GOP owners, can plan well into the future.

Mitt Romney is the distraction we are providing you with, so you won't notice what we have planned for 2016 or what we are doing to each and every state through the Koch Brothers and their many tentacles (ALEC, The Heritage Foundation, etc.)

Understand, we are not evil, just willfully entrenched into a lifestyle you can only dream about.  We like it that way. Now, cooperate, damn it!


Someone you'll never meet. 

Follow up: A 99% Response


Teese Powell said...

OMG!! This is my favorite. Favorite of favorites.!

WorkingClassHeroes said...

Very good article. Thanks for defending us! We might add the "Americans for Prosperity" to the tentacles of Koch.

Anonymous said...

If parts of this were not so close to being true, one might regard what you've written as somehow funny or as both interesting and funny. However, the problem is these people want all the resources, which some of them have been systematically taking from large numbers of people who don't have very much to begin with. They are rich and some of them are criminals as well.

I don't know how it will all end, or if it will end, but if it does end, it won't be pretty.

Olivia Emisar said...

It seems that people need to be hit with a brick before they get it through their heads that this is the way they really think and see the rest of us.

I aimed for satire because otherwise it would just be anger pouring out.

You are right that this will end. I can only hope that after the clean up, we learn to not let this happen again.

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate not being alone in the dark.

PEACE to all

Anonymous said...

I think some of the "wealthy" don't even see us. When we walk down the street we may inadvertently step on ants. We don't see them and they really don't matter. Sometimes I think this in the mentality of some wealthy folks about the 99%.